today was a hard day. moms in the hospital again. i had that sick feeling in my stomach all day. dejavu. the worst kind. the beginning of last summer all over again. now i've been drinking wine by myself, looking at old pictures, feeling nostalgic and empty. talking to my dad earlier about what a shitty experience they had at the hospital, and how he left after dark and since he can't see well at night and doesn't know the south side that well, it took him awhile to get his bearings & he made a bunch of wrong turns (at night, in the ghetto) and it took him a long time to get home (where he ate toast for dinner) broke my heart. i don't know what to do. i feel helpless out here. i'm wondering if i should fly home. i have a week and a half before classes start. i actually had a dream a few nights ago that i would have to fly back for my mom the week before school started. weird. i just don't know how this is gonna end. it's like looking into blackness. i don't know how to feel about this new treatment. or about any of it. i just feel so fucking bad for both of my parents. i cried a lot today.

on another note, shane wants to take me to paris for my birthday. he's going the week before it for work and his miles would cover my flight and the hotel room would be paid for by his work. it'd still cost me $ though - meals (although a few he could write off) and boarding soda. but how can i ask my parents to chip in for the rest of that when they are dealing with so much shit back home? i think i would feel too guilty. i can't wait to be able to be making a living on my own. one more year of school to get through.

also, i met the professor i'm going to be TAing for today. she (awesomely!) lives in my neighborhood. she seems really chill and i'm excited for this class. she's young and new to mills and i get a good vibe from her. i think it's all going to work out beautifully.