lonely.

disclaimer: if you don't want to read about me feeling sorry for myself, then you probably shouldn't continue reading...


i had my first actual day of class today. second class, but the first one was the one i'm TAing for. it went fine. it was my workshop and i think it'll be good; it seems like a good group. i'm feeling kind of blah, though. it's a beautiful day out - 70 degrees in SF (it was almost 80 in oakland), i'm wearing a dress, i feel pretty and i'm in a social mood - i want to just sit outside and have a drink with someone and chat and be around people. but there's no one to be around. shane is out of town, nicki's working, and i basically don't know anyone else. it seems like everyone at school has made friends already and they're all in tight groups and all hang out. i don't really get how that happened. i've been trying so hard to make friends and get to know people & it just doesn't seem to be able to happen. i never get invited to go anywhere. no one seems interested in getting to know me. i wonder if i put that vibe out there? i've been trying to be really friendly, so i don't know. to quote Pepper: "you never know just how you look through other peoples eyes."

lately i've been asking myself what i'm doing out here. with my life. i have SUCH a tight, good, solid, amazing group of friends back home. i miss them. i miss being able to see my friends a few times a week. i miss my parents also. and since my moms been sick it's been hard. thank god i have soda pop out here because she brings so much joy into my life and without her i would be REALLY effing lonely. i know i'm out here living my dream - living in california, where i've always wanted to live. and i have shane out here, whom i'm crazy in love with and being around him makes me incredibly happy. but he's been traveling a lot lately, and really busy and stressed with his job, and also recording a new album which takes up a lot of his time. we were supposed to go to a wedding in san diego next weekend and i was excited to be able to spend that time with him, but we found out the wedding got called off. totally cancelled. which is nuts. i already booked soda and am going to get charged even if i cancel her, and we booked a hotel room and a flight so we're not really sure what we're going to do. i would love to still go for the night and take a mini vacay with shane, but i think that he wants to see if he can get the tickets refunded so he has an extra day for recording. anyway, back to what i was saying: i DO love living in san francisco - it's such an amazing city. but i'm sick of living alone. i'm sick of being lonely so often. i've felt like a total loner all summer b/c shane's spent his weekends in san ramon working on his new album. and that's not really like me. i love alone time, but i also thrive on being around people. i'm a libra - we like to be social!

anyway, i don't really know what to do about it. i've probably been extra lonely/sad/stressed because a) i've had way too much free time on my hands to think and b) my moms been in bad shape lately. now that school's about to start, i'm sure i'm going to be so busy that i'll be happy to get time to just relax and be with shane and think.


oh and ps - i came home to find a mouse eating soda's food =( effffffffff. okay, that's all.