so awesome. this made me tear up. you should really watch it.

(rip steve jobs)

and THIS is why i'm glad i moved to california...

http://www.suntimes.com/8033118-417/chicago-area-expected-to-endure-worst-winter-in-nation.html

woah!

cute outfit

"A picture began circulating in November. It should be "The Picture of the Year," or perhaps, "Picture of the Decade." It won't be. In fact, unless you obtained a copy of the U.S. paper which published it, you probably would never have seen it.

The picture is that of a 21-week-old unborn baby named Samuel Alexander Armas, who is being operated on by surgeon named Joseph Bruner. The baby was diagnosed with spina bifida and would not survive if removed from his mother's womb. Little Samuel's mother, Julie Armas, is an obstetrics nurse in Atlanta. She knew of Dr. Bruner's remarkable surgical procedure. Practicing at Vanderbilt University Medical Center in Nashville, he performs these special operations while the baby is still in the womb.

During the procedure, the doctor removes the uterus via C-section and makes a small incision to operate on the baby. As Dr. Bruner completed the surgery on Samuel, the little guy reached his tiny, but fully developed hand through the incision and firmly grasped the surgeon's finger. Dr. Bruner was reported as saying that when his finger was grasped, it was the most emotional moment of his life, and that for an instant during the procedure he was just frozen, totally immobile.

The photograph captures this amazing event with perfect clarity. The editors titled the picture, "Hand of Hope." The text explaining the picture begins, "The tiny hand of 21-week-old fetus Samuel Alexander Armas emerges from the mother's uterus to grasp the finger of Dr. Joseph Bruner as if thanking the doctor for the gift of life."

Little Samuel's mother said they "wept for days" when they saw the picture. She said, "The photo reminds us pregnancy isn't about disability or an illness, it's about a little person" Samuel was born in perfect health, the operation 100 percent successful. Now see the actual picture, and it is awesome...incredible....and hey, pass it on! The world needs to see this one!"

‎"This, then, is my final piece of advice: tell your story. Rage against the impulse to forget. Commit everything: each burnt-out house, each broken body, each wailing mother - all your grief - to memory. Live with your anguish, with your questions, even where there are no easy answers. When you find your voice, sing. It's your responsibility, your spiritual burden to speak up, to bear, if you can, moral witness to the new tragedy of your generation."-Andrew Lam

i had a weird experience today. wrote for a long time this morning, working on that memoir. writing it was easy, it came naturally, it felt good. then i finished and started to read it and that's when the panic attack came - started getting really shaky and feeling super nauseous. right then my dad texted me and said "don't put anything about your memoir on facebook, moms too sick to handle it." that was the last thing i needed to hear at that moment. full panic attack started. plus a headache. i tried to keep reading what i had written, but i couldn't. i had to put it down. i took my dog around the block to get some air. i used that neck massager i bought recently from amazon to help the headache. suddenly, i just felt like i had to lay down. i put on pajama pants and crawled into bed. i felt so sick. i ended up staying there for 3 1/2 hours. it's crazy how much just reading what i had written impacted me and what an effect it had on my body.


laying in bed trying to calm myself down:

memoir

so for my craft of creative nonfiction class, i have to write a 15-20 page memoir piece. i've been wanting to write a memoir for a long time now, and i'm getting REALLY into it. it's really cleansing and healing. i feel like each scene i write is one that i can now let go of from inside of me. i can feel that pressure slowly emptying out, trickling out like air escaping from a balloon. it feels so good. i don't want to stop at 20 pages. i want to keep going until i write the whole damn thing. it's also gonna be pretty damn intense though because it's pretty closely tied with family. i let my advisor read the first five pages and the first thing out of her mouth was "wow, what a crazy family!" and, i mean, she's right. but aren't all families crazy, with crazy stories? i'm slightly nervous at the reaction that this will get from my family (more so my extended than my parents), and i mentioned that to my advisor. i liked her answer: "you're allowed to tell your point of view." and she is absolutely correct. plus, i always have the fiction degree to hide behind :) and, there's always little things an author can do, like change names. but what's the point in that? everyone who would be offended or care about anything in it would know exactly who was who anyway. anyway, like i said, this is so healing and it's making me feel so much lighter with each word i get out. maybe this is what i need to do to finally overcome my past and to be able to permanently let it go. anyway, i'm loving doing it right now!

random!

i'm reading a collection of personal essays right now about a Vietnamese American man who escaped Vietnam as a refugee during his childhood, and there's a part that I'm at right now where he has gone back to Vietnam and is walking admist a farm of rubber trees. all at once, this silly song from my childhood that my mom used to sing (that i completely forgot existed) came flooding back into my head:

once there was a little old ant
thought he could move a rubber tree plant
everyone knows that an ant
can't
move a rubber tree plant
but he had high hopes
he had high hopes
he had high apple pie in the sky hopes
so when you're feeling blue
just remember that an ant
can't
move a rubber tree
oops there goes another rubber tree
oops there goes another rubber tree
oops there goes another rubber tree plant!


lol hahaha that kind of made my day :D


UPDATE::

woah i just googled it and it's a frank sinatra song?! wtf! i thought it was like a kids song hahaha that just made it so much better! wow.



i'm literally busting up laughing so hard watching this video that i'm crying lol

you may say i'm a dreamer, but i'm not the only one. i hope someday you'll join us, and the world will live as one.

Loving Life!

i have to start out by saying that i feel great right now! i am at this high that i havn't felt in so long and i am just riding the wave of it. it's been gorgeous out the past 3 days - 70s/80s in SF, 80s/90s in oakland. hot weather makes me so incredibly happy just on its own. then my professor last night used my work as an example. then last night after class i had the most incredible experience ever. i'm taking a craft of creative nonfiction class (so basically think memoirs & personal essays if you don't know what that is), and we were given an assignment to write a 20 page memoir piece this week. i've been wanting to write a memoir for a really long time now, and kind of figured i would do it after i finished my novel. as i was driving home last night, though, i started writing the story in my head and could hardly wait to get to my computer. i parked my car, took my dog out, and planted myself on the floor, first typing in the notes section of my iphone so i wouldn't forget. i couldn't stop, so i emailed myself what i had so far and then opened up my computer, copied it into a word document (it was already a page), and kept going. i wrote frantically for an hour and a half, my eyes not leaving the screen, my fingers not pausing at the keyboard. it was like i was channeling the story, like everything else around me - the room, everything - blurred and dropped away, i literally felt high, like i was on drugs, and i just HAD to keep going. it was so charged. it was fucking incredible. i finished a whole scene. wrote 5 pages. and i'm loving them. apparently that was a story that i REALLY needed to tell. i immediately had to share it with someone and sent it to shane. i love that i can share my work with him. anyway, i'm still buzzing from it, still riding the wave of highness. i feel great. those moments come so rarely, yet they are indescribable and are what remind us writers of why it is that we write. i love writing so much. i've been loving this semester. loving my classes, my peers' work, my professors. i've felt so inspired lately.
so last night after all this i had a freakout moment of omg if this is what is taking my attention so much right now and where all my energy is going and is having this affect on me, then maybe this is what i need to focus on right now for my thesis. and don't get me wrong, i love my novel, my heart is in it, i've been working on it for so many years and i HAVE to fucking finish it. i can't set it aside right now. but i've also been feeling dull and uninspired by it (although my fiction workshop has really changed that the past few weeks - i've been getting super into it again). so i had my first thesis meeting today and printed out both the manuscript of my novel so far (about 50 pages) and these 5 pages that i wrote last night. cornelia (my thesis advisor) made my day even better. she told me to work on both pieces, whatever takes my attention on a given day and that i could turn them both in for my thesis. i already have surpassed the required number of pages, so now i can just write and enjoy it without having to stress about anything. that was so freeing to hear. and writing last night was so therapeutic and cleansing. so now i feel freed and cleansed. and i just have unlimited energy and my heart is pounding and i feel like i'm rushing forward go go go! and i am in just SUCH a happy mood right now! :D i'm loving my life!!!!!

seasons changing in my body.

i don't know if it has something to do with my sinuses, or just my body knowing that it's september, or being back in school but it feels like fall is in the air. which is weird, because it's our summer now out here in sf. but i feel really nostalgic, and smells and memories keep swirling up - nothing specific, just that FEELING of autumn in the midwest. it's almost like i can smell the leaves changing, and feel the brisk air, and i want to get all wrapped up and cozy in a big comfy sweater. in my mind i feel like there will be fallen, brightly colored leaves everywhere when i step outside, and that halloween is coming up soon, and the days are getting shorter. i guess part of that applies still, but it's so strange that i just have that feeling in my heart and in my chest and just in my body in general. i suddenly am finding myself excited for thanksgiving. i'm longing for pumpkin pie, pumpkin ale, sweet potatoes; overnight, my mouth is watering for them.
it's strange to be in a place without seasons. well, without real seasons. in the beginning of the summer i wanted hot weather SO BADLY (which is september & october in SF), but now, i'm craving the coolness of autumn. maybe it's because i went to hawaii & chicago twice over the summer so i already got that fix of hotness, and i'm ready to cool off now. i was so excited to wear all of my summer clothes, and now i find myself wanting to ditch the summery stuff and wear more fall styles.

oh, and as we were waking up enjoying coffee this morning, my boyfriend did this:

decided i'm still gonna post on this. i'll just put personal stuff on the other blog.

my life lately:

last weekend:

sat: went to a 9am bags tournament at the A's stadium, followed by an A's game. lots of tailgating. oh yeah, and mike (shane's roommate) made us t-shirts.
sun: hopped on a plane to san diego with shane. we were supposed to go to a wedding but it got cancelled, so we just took a little mini vacay together. it was perfect. exactly what i needed, and i have been feeling myself again ever since.

all this week:

scrambling to catch up on homework since i did none that last weekend.

here's some pics of it all:

(click photos to enlarge)

quote.

just finished reading the memoir Fierce Attachments. my favorite quote from it:

"...Sometimes I wake spontaneously in the night and I sit up in bed and I'm alone in the middle of the world."

9/11 search & rescue dogs

http://blogs.discovery.com/daily_treat/#mkcpgn=fbapl1

i'm gonna stop writing in this blog for now. it connects to a blog i have to do for class, and that makes me uncomfortable. i'll start a new one up, though. email me if you want the link.

ok.

okay. i'll admit it. it's kind of nice to be back in school.

leather.

leather dresses seem to really be *in* right now... i feel like i see them everywhere, on every designers website. i like this one, too bad it's $468.00. yowza.

confession.

when shane is out of town, i make sure to fill up soda's dog food bowl and put out an extra bowl of water for her each time i leave the house. that way in case i die while i'm out, she'll have enough to last her until my parents or shane realize it and come to take her. and yes, i'm aware that i can be a total lunatic, but i love my puppy, okay?

omgggggggggggg

i have the best boyfriend in the whole entire world. seriously. he is amazing. i must have done something damn good in a past life and built up some stellar karma because i am the luckiest girl ever! :D he got me plane tickets to paris today for my bday! :D and... it took him over 3 hours because he was using his points for my flight & dealing with the airline and his work travel agency for his and i am floored that this boy goes so out of his way on a continual basis to make me happy. he is amazing and the love of my life.


i want to start packing right now lol.

i wish i had an occasion to wear a ball gown...

they look so fun!

comfy night at home with my pup.

it's been awhile since i've posted about clothes...

so... here's an outfit i liked last week. nothing special. just was comfy and cute.

troof for realz.

i want.

Quiet Apartment in 1891 Victorian
Date: 2011-08-18, 8:55PM
A ground floor unit with private entry in an 1891 Queen Ann Victorian home on one of the best blocks in Noe Valley, offering dishwasher, range, convection microwave oven, disposal, an in-unit washer/dryer, and TWO walk-in closets, with nine foot ceilings. No rear yard access.

Four rooms (bedroom, bath, kitchen, living/dining) totaling 650 square feet. Gas range and water heater. All utilities separately metered. Pre-wired for cable and telephone service (not included in rent.) Street parking only (no permit required.) Easy access to US-101 and I-280.

Unit is fully fire-sprinklered, and has venetian blinds for front windows and door.

Twelve-month lease required; most pets welcome with references and pet deposit. NO SMOKERS. Move-in costs are first month's rent, cleaning and damage deposit, any pet deposits, plus tenant must establish accounts with Sunset Scavenger, PG&E, San Francisco Water Department, and telephone and cable service.

Easy walking distance to 24th Street shopping district, MUNI J-Church, 24-Divisadero, and 48-Quintara lines, Apple, Google, and Genentech shuttles, a 15-minute walk to 24th-Mission BART station. Caltrain 22nd Street Station approximately 20 minutes by MUNI 48-Quintara bus.

Unit viewing available by appointment, call 415-821-7499 to arrange an appointment.



950 Sanchez Street (google map) (yahoo map)

cats are OK - purrr
dogs are OK - wooof
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
Original URL: http://sfbay.craigslist.org/sfc/apa/2554502532.html

attention. getting it. and not getting it.

nicki & ben ended up rescuing me last night. ben & i drove nicki to work and then hung out at the place she bartends at and ate & drank for cheap. it was a good time =) then i came home and video chatted with shane for 2 1/2 hours lol. man, i'm crazy about that kid :D

anyway, at one point last night ben and i were talking about guys and he was really surprised at first when i told him that guys never hit on me b/c he said he notices guys checking me out all the time. i get cat calls when i'm walking around from guys in cars all the time, but it's not really the same. the first time a complete stranger ever asked for my number was a few months ago, and i was so taken aback by it i hardly knew what to do. actually, at first i thought he was talking about soda when he told me that i was cute, lol. then ben said once he thought about it, that he's actually not that surprised, because guys are probably intimidated b/c i'm so pretty and i'm confident. that's a weird concept to think about - you have to be pretty for guys to hit on you (at least guys that you would WANT hitting on you...), but if you're TOO pretty then it won't happen? and then also what does this say about the confidence factor? that guys don't want a girl to be TOO confident?! is insecurity attractive? i don't know. i'm not saying that i agree with any of this, but i always kind of felt a little insecure about how guys never wanted to talk to me when i was out. i just assumed that they didn't find me attractive enough. but the idea that maybe they are intimidated makes me feel better about the whole thing lol.


anyway, i'm bringing this up for a reason, not to talk about how a friend gave me a compliment, haha. it was really bumming me out about how no one at school really ever invites me to anything or seems to want to talk to me or get to know me at all, and i was thinking that maybe i give off an intimidating vibe? not in the same sense that i possibly do with guys, but maybe i give off an unfriendly vibe or a vibe that says i don't want people to talk to me? i don't know. if i do, i certainly don't mean to. maybe what i feel as lonliness, others take for a loner that doesn't want to be bothered. who knows. i wish someone would clue me in so i could work on changing that, though :(


it's just weird - even in a social experiment thinking type way - how some people others go out of their way to give a ton of attention to, and some people they leave alone. some people they want to befriend and others they don't.

lonely.

disclaimer: if you don't want to read about me feeling sorry for myself, then you probably shouldn't continue reading...


i had my first actual day of class today. second class, but the first one was the one i'm TAing for. it went fine. it was my workshop and i think it'll be good; it seems like a good group. i'm feeling kind of blah, though. it's a beautiful day out - 70 degrees in SF (it was almost 80 in oakland), i'm wearing a dress, i feel pretty and i'm in a social mood - i want to just sit outside and have a drink with someone and chat and be around people. but there's no one to be around. shane is out of town, nicki's working, and i basically don't know anyone else. it seems like everyone at school has made friends already and they're all in tight groups and all hang out. i don't really get how that happened. i've been trying so hard to make friends and get to know people & it just doesn't seem to be able to happen. i never get invited to go anywhere. no one seems interested in getting to know me. i wonder if i put that vibe out there? i've been trying to be really friendly, so i don't know. to quote Pepper: "you never know just how you look through other peoples eyes."

lately i've been asking myself what i'm doing out here. with my life. i have SUCH a tight, good, solid, amazing group of friends back home. i miss them. i miss being able to see my friends a few times a week. i miss my parents also. and since my moms been sick it's been hard. thank god i have soda pop out here because she brings so much joy into my life and without her i would be REALLY effing lonely. i know i'm out here living my dream - living in california, where i've always wanted to live. and i have shane out here, whom i'm crazy in love with and being around him makes me incredibly happy. but he's been traveling a lot lately, and really busy and stressed with his job, and also recording a new album which takes up a lot of his time. we were supposed to go to a wedding in san diego next weekend and i was excited to be able to spend that time with him, but we found out the wedding got called off. totally cancelled. which is nuts. i already booked soda and am going to get charged even if i cancel her, and we booked a hotel room and a flight so we're not really sure what we're going to do. i would love to still go for the night and take a mini vacay with shane, but i think that he wants to see if he can get the tickets refunded so he has an extra day for recording. anyway, back to what i was saying: i DO love living in san francisco - it's such an amazing city. but i'm sick of living alone. i'm sick of being lonely so often. i've felt like a total loner all summer b/c shane's spent his weekends in san ramon working on his new album. and that's not really like me. i love alone time, but i also thrive on being around people. i'm a libra - we like to be social!

anyway, i don't really know what to do about it. i've probably been extra lonely/sad/stressed because a) i've had way too much free time on my hands to think and b) my moms been in bad shape lately. now that school's about to start, i'm sure i'm going to be so busy that i'll be happy to get time to just relax and be with shane and think.


oh and ps - i came home to find a mouse eating soda's food =( effffffffff. okay, that's all.

10 ways the definition of beauty has changed...

http://health.howstuffworks.com/wellness/hygiene-tips/10-ways-the-definition-of-beauty-has-changed.htm#mkcpgn=fbtlc21

first riding lessons at age 6... aka when the addiction began :p

ps. the best part is that this horse's name was Appy because he's an Appaloosa haha

i'm feeling nostalgic tonight...

looking at old pictures and missing my friends dearly.

ultimate love song.

it brings tears to my eyes. i want someone to love me this much.

scary dreams.

the past two nights in a row i have had crazy intense dreams that soda was drowning, right before morning, too. really disturbing. the good thing about both dreams though was that i saved her both times.

the first dream, two nights ago, started out where i was on a roadtrip with terra and we stopped at this place to get lunch. it was really pretty, and you had to go down these wooden steps through all this lush plant life and cross this plank style bridge that was about as thick as my coffee table to get to the tables. i had gone over to check it out first and came back and told terra it was super pretty and she had to come look at it. her and soda were on the steps still and i was on the bridge when this huge wave came and knocked me off. at first my reaction was like "aw man, i'm on a roadtrip and now my clothes are all wet," but the water felt good and i got over it. i got back on the bridge and terra and soda came and then this huge wave that was covered with dolphins (i dunno.) came and totally sent us flying. i was in the water, underwater, desperately looking for soda. it was so real. the water was murky. i was holding my breath as hard as i could (which i'm terrible at) and i was trying so hard to keep my eyes open underwater (which i'm also terrible at). i couldn't see her and i needed air so i decided to go up, grab a huge breath of air, and then i HAD to find her on that second trip down because she had already been underwater for way too long. i did it, and it was so hard to grab a huge breath and get momentum to dive back down with the waves crashing around me, but i did it. i was looking for her and then down to my right i vaguely made out her silhouette. she was conscious still and saw me and was trying to move towards me. (thinking about this right now makes my heart rip in two & makes me feel sick to my stomach... i seriously love this dog more than anything.) anyway, i grabbed her and brought her up and she was okay. thank god. and then i woke up.

then last night in my dream, i was aware that i had had that dream the night before. i was on a beach with my parents and the water was super warm and turquoise and beautiful like the caribbean. there was a little ledge or pier or something running into the water, too. so i was sleeping in the sand and woke up and i guess was surprised at my location (maybe we just arrived on vacation?) but that water looked so pretty i HAD to get in it. first, though, i had to have a pomegranate margarita (which i had last night at dinner, haha). so i got in the water and it was like bathwater and felt so good and i was drinkig and i had my sunglasses on and my mom took a picture of me lol. so soda walks out on to the water - and she was literally walking on the water. and i remember being half buzzed and saying "how is she doing that?" but i wasn't really all that alarmed. anyway, i realized their were sharks in the water and i started thinking about how i was nervous she would start to drown because of the dream i had the night before. there were waves, and because of them, there was a dip in the water (it had been flat in the shallow end that she was walking on), and she went over to snif it and then totally fell in. i was on it. i swam over to her as fast as i could and started panicking because of all the sharks. i grabbed her and tried to hold her little head over the waves that were splashing all around. she was okay, but a huge shark was chasing us. i kicked it. and i could literally feel its slimy body on my foot. my dad was on the ledge/pier thing and i was screaming to him to let me give soda to him so i could get her out of the water as quickly as possible and telling him about the sharks. (even in my dream, i was ready to sacrifice my own life for hers) he was running alongside me on the ledge and i tried to give her to him, but it was easier to just hold her up and keep heading for shore, which i did. and we made it safely and she was okay. and then i woke up.

anyway, the first one shook me up enough. the fact that i had a second one is really tripping me out. i often have dreams that come true and i'm super nervous that something might happen to soda now. i just had to give her a new flea/tic medication and now i'm like a nervous parent hovering around her (although, this is also due to the last time i had to give her a new flea/tic medicine she had a terrible reaction and got super sick and i had to rush her to the animal emergency room). the one i gave her today is just a generic version of the one i usually give her, though, whereas the one she OD'ed on was a totally different thing all together - it was a pill that killed the bugs in a different way, not a topical. anyway, i love this little dog with all my heart. she is like my child, she's my best friend, my world. i just want her to live a long, happy, and healthy life with me. love you, soda <3

How to measure your perfect skirt length!

how to get your perfect skirt length down to an exact mathematical science: i love this!

http://jcauncmom.blogspot.com/2009/09/part-2-how-to-decide-your-ideal-skirt.html


apparently i am a "short shinner," which is why mini skirts & short dresses look way better on me than knee length or mid-calf length skirts & dresses: my thigh length is 19" and my calf length is 16" :/ according to this though, this is most common among american women so i guess i am in the majority at least...

art.

my favorite artists are Alex Grey, Mark Henson, Luke Brown... someday i'll buy paintings from all of them.

iceland...

my boyfriends roommate is on vacation in iceland so i had to google it. these are some of the images that came up. wooooooowow!

new mascara.

i've been using bobbi brown forever, but really, it clumps. i tried jane iredale, which is also the brand i use on my face - i LOVE her makeup! it is the OG of mineral makeup (long before bare minerals) and is the only mineral makeup that is 100% natural minerals (bareminerals is only 80% and made me break out so bad). jane iredale is called "the skincare makeup" b/c it's actually good for your skin. i love love love it. and now i'm also in love with their mascara. <3

(click the image to enlarge)

ps - it was creeping me out that one of my legs looked bigger than the other in this pic, but then i realized i was sitting on my right leg. haha, all is right in the world. had to throw out that disclaimer lol :p

wow, i'm a lucky girl...

he is so handsome <3

love.

there's some things i actually can't write about, they are just too heartbreaking...

Great quote

I'm watching the movie "the holiday," which is one of my favorite Girly movies (along with love actually and letters to Juliet). The best quote from it is this one, where she's talking about having your heart broken. Man I know that feeling:

Iris: I understand feeling as small and as insignificant as humanly possible. And how it can actually ache in places you didn't know you had inside you. And it doesn't matter how many new haircuts you get, or gyms you join, or how many glasses of chardonnay you drink with your girlfriends... you still go to bed every night going over every detail and wonder what you did wrong or how you could have misunderstood. And how in the hell for that brief moment you could think that you were that happy. And sometimes you can even convince yourself that he'll see the light and show up at your door. And after all that, however long all that may be, you'll go somewhere new. And you'll meet people who make you feel worthwhile again. And little pieces of your soul will finally come back. And all that fuzzy stuff, those years of your life that you wasted, that will eventually begin to fade. -- IMDb Quotes: The Holiday (2006)

Sunshine Daydream

they say you can't truly love others until you can learn to love yourself. i agree with that. here is me enjoying my own company WAY too much. (yep, i'm aware that i'm the biggest dork you all know...haha:D). oh - and a side note. i like that they came out all trippy. if you click on them to zoom them in, they look like a monet.

PS - it was a beautiful, sunny day outside. i was home alone. and i was wearing the floweyest shirt ever. how could i NOT twirl and jump around?! haha :D