Wild horses keep dragging me away...

riding made me more sore.  but i don't care.  it also makes me more happy <3



on another health related note.. i had a very slight fever last night (99.0) and today it's 99.3.  i dunno what's up with my body lately.  regarding the biopsy, the doctor told me i should be concerned if i have a fever of 101 or higher.  i think i'm gonna not take advil and see if it climbs any higher... ido have a sore throat though, so maybe i'm just coming down with something?  i'm sure my immune system is kinda weak right now :/


it can't be that terrible of a day, though, because it's gorgeous outside - in the 70's! - and i woke up to the sweetest email ever from my boy =)

refreshing.

finally feeling better today!  i can still feel some pain, but there is such a huge difference between how i was feeling yesterday & today.  went riding today - it felt good!  although my trainer did tell me that i seemed weak.  which i totally believe since i spent the past 4 days laying on my back.  i just feel bad for soda, she hasn't gotten any exercise since basically wednesday.  i owe her a good walk soon.  maybe tomorrow.  i'm gonna try to take her to the park today so she can at least run around.  it's nice out today and it's supposed to be even nicer tomorrow - i think 70 degrees.  yay.  i miss warm summer weather.  between hawaii and chicago though hopefully i'll get my fix (and get to wear cute summer stuff!).  is 2 1/2 weeks too soon to start packing??

dream.

i had a dream last night that i knew i was going to die in a few days.  i was okay with it, though.  i was writing my last will & testament (all my friends got to pick through my clothes/jewelry/shoes; shane got my cds & dvds), and the one thing that i was really stressed over was who would get soda - my parents or shane.  i was really trying to figure out who she would have the best life with, and i knew that no matter which party i gave her to, the other would miss her terribly.  i woke up really sad.  but shane and i slept over 12 hours last night and from about 9am to 1pm he had his arms wrapped around me, so it was okay...

style. and age.

my style is very "hippie-chic."  i like funky, edgy, fun, girly, flirty, badass things, haha.  i love bright, happy colors like pinks, purples, yellows, & turquoises.  i practically live in tights & boots.  plain, solid colored things bore me.  my brand is truly free people...i think around 90% of my closet is made up of free people items.  it's nice (and easy) to have a brand that truly speaks to me - and fits me well.  they're planning to open one in SF next year, which means trouble! haha.  it's funny, because my boyfriends style is pretty much the opposite of mine.  we were at the mall yesterday to get him some nice shirts & shoes for work (and i REALLY needed to get out of my apt - i've been laying around and "taking it easy" since the biopsy and was starting to get stir crazy... and yes, i'm still in pain..) and he pointed out a dress that he thought was nice.  he followed that comment up with "but it's probably not funky enough for you."  he was basically right, it was really plain.  i'm sure i could make it work with the right shoes and jewelry, but it was something i would never gravitate towards on my own.  i was busy eyeing a cute purple dress ahead of me, when shane continued with "you probably like that one," and pointed at the exact one that i was looking at.  lol, at least he knows me by now.  he said "my style is simple and sleek."  which that dress he liked absolutely was.

it made me think.  i know eventually i'll adapt my wardrobe to a more sleek, classy style (not to say that i don't have classy pieces in it now, but that is definitely not how i dress on a daily basis... and i'm not saying i dress the opposite (trashy)... i'd say more fun & flirty), but right now, i love the way i dress.  i love my clothes.  i feel good in them.  confident.  even the pieces that shane has flat out told me he doesn't like.  and honestly, when he makes fun of certain things of mine, it just makes me want to wear them more lol.  i'm very anti changing for anyone else.  i love the person that i am.  he loves me, so he needs to accept me for who i am.  one of my favorite quotes is from rent - it goes: "take me for what i am, who i was meant to be, and if you give a damn, take me baby, or leave me."  i'm 25, i'm still in school, i don't feel like i'm in the adult world yet.  i know the rest of my life i'm going to have to dress that certain way.  and, like i said in one of my earlier posts, i'm making up for lost years.  i'm sure that slowly, bit by bit, my wardrobe will move more towards the business casual, more conservative side.  i know i'm going to have to grow up eventually.  so give me a few years, shane.
speaking of which, something happened this past week (that only 3 of my closest friends know about) that made me feel old.  it was a really weird & disturbing feeling.  i've always felt young.  excluding the times that i'm around my closest friends, i'm usually the youngest in the room.  i go to grad school where a lot of my classmates are older.  my last boyfriend was 5 years older, shane is 4 years older.  it's always obvious to me that i'm the young one.  it's always slightly evident in their friends/colleagues demeanor towards me (though not in a rude way, just in a way that makes me very aware that i am younger than them).  shane has made comments several times about something being from his generation and not mine.  but this thing that happened this past week - it made me feel like one of the women on sex and the city when they're talking about the younger girls and how men always like them.  it made me feel like the old hag.  it was a scary moment.  sort of a rude awakening - like this is what's to come.  it was weird, because shane & i also had a sort of joking conversation yesterday about 18 year old girls and he said something like "all guys are the same" regarding younger girls.  maybe it's just the theme of the week?  regardless, i hope i don't feel that way ever again...

and here's that song from rent - SO good!!!

sore.

okay, i definitely pushed it yesterday.  i admit it.  i shouldn't have gone riding.  i shouldn't have picked up my apt (bending really hurts).  i was really feeling it last night - really hurting.  and i am again today.  i know i did it to myself.  i'm trying to rest and take it easy today but i am super restless.



on a super happy note, though, hawaii is 3 weeks away exactly!! :D  i'm so stoked!  i bought 3 new bathing suits... i needed new ones so bad, i've had all of my other ones for years (one for literally ten years), and they were all ratty and falling apart and stretched out weird.  here's the 3 i bought:

i'll probly just take the first & third to hawaii.  i need to get a tan before i go so i don't burn up, too.

i'm feeling a little better today.  i was having some anxiety last night, which was making me feel even shittier.  i've had issues with anxiety for years - i get some serious panic attacks.  maybe it was good that i was alone though, because all i had was myself to talk me down and i really need to be able to do that.  there's really only a couple people who can do that - i think jamie & shane and that's about it.  it's because they get it.  they understand.  my parents usually just stress me out more because they get impatient with me and yell at me, and that is probably the worst thing you can do to someone having a panic attack.  or they just tell me to take an anti-anxiety pill.  but i don't want to have to rely on medication.
anyway, i'm still sore today, but the advil is helping dull the pain a bit.  i rode today though which felt amazing - i'm so glad that i went.  i feel no pain when i ride -> i am completely concentrated on a hundred other things my body (and the horse's) is doing.  we kept it light today, but it was 80 up in marin and i still got a good workout and was dripping sweat by the end.
on the rest of my agenda today is: pick up my apartment and try to write.  i've been slacking on the writing the past few days, which frustrates the hell out of me.  i'm so easily distracted, plus it takes me awhile to get into a rhythm - so to get anything worthwhile done i really need to sit and work at it for a decent amount of time.
oh, and then shane gets home tonight.  ha- and then right as i write that he texts me his flight got delayed til later tonight.  oh well.  more time to try to get stuff done.  later, cyberspace..

June 8th

I think June 8th is my cursed day.  Last year on this day, I felt like my whole world was falling apart.  I spent somewhere around 6-8 hours sitting in a dark hospital room with my mom - one of eight days straight that she was in there.  My boyfriend of a few years was at my parents house with my dad, helping him eat because he had a feeding tube at the time and at that point couldn't feed himself with it alone.  When I got home from the hospital, Luke & I drove to Whole Foods to pick up a six pack of my favorite beer (Gumballhead!), where he broke up with me in the parking lot.
This year, there were some more hard days revolving around health.  My mom had a meeting with a doctor that didn't live up to her expectations about a new chemo drug that just came out.  I had to get an unexpected biopsy and sobbed through the whole doctors appointment and made a nurse come and hold my hand during it because I didn't want to be alone.  My boyfriend happened to be out of town this week at E3, which is basically one of his busiest weeks at work, so the timing was pretty crappy.  I've spent the last day and a half scared and crying and shaking, stomach in knots.  I think anticipation is the worst.  Although I feel pretty shitty now - I have some severe cramps.  But at least now we have somewhat more of an idea of what is going on concerning this drug my mom's been waiting for for six years, and we'll know more next week.  At least my appointment is over with and all I have to do now is wait for results.  And to be honest, I'm not even really that worried anymore... I think I was just more scared about the biopsy.  I'm a huge wuss when it comes to doctors/medical stuff.  Lol, and I was scared that if something was really wrong then Shane would leave me... which he assured me would never happen.
On the up side though, my dog is being adorable.  I think she knows something is wrong because she's been extra cuddly the past 2 days.  And I gave her a bath yesterday so she is super soft right now =)  Also on the up side - where my dad had a feeding tube and couldn't even use it himself at this point last year, he is now eating all sorts of things, which is so fucking amazing and makes me so happy I could scream with joy.
All in all, I have to remember that this is all a learning experience.  I was put here on this planet to learn and grow and experience life in this way.  I am a spiritual being having a human experience.  And one of my favorite quotes that my friend Bria told me around this time last year has really stuck with me:  "Life is like the mountains: without the peaks and valleys, you would never know how beautiful they are."